I’ve been asked through a DM how did I heal from the pain I went through.
I knew I couldn’t make a short answer, with such a multifaceted question, even if tried, so…!
What’s to heal?
There are the feelings towards the ones who didn’t act in a loving way, and there are those towards myself that are a consequence of the acts of those “others”.
Then, there are the things I did (or let happened), that I wish I never did. The things for which I’m ashamed, or guilty (in all honesty).
And finally, there’s my outlook on Life itself, on Earth, on Consciousness, and on humanity…
How did I heal…
The first thing I did was to choose that I really knew, really experienced, what I did 25 years ago: I knew that feeling of Unity with a Higher Being, it really did happen to me, so it meant that there was a “way back”.
God existed, I knew it, I couldn’t deny it, so then it was up to me to find the connection again.
It seems silly, maybe, but it’s a tremendous shift. It means to get back to Trust, for all that happened/happens in my life. Even the most horrible moments (and there were quite a few, of different natures) had to be a part of something bigger. Had to have a purpose.
Believing in It again also meant to have to stand tall and proud in the knowing of being a little part of The Consciousness. As a consequence, it was my “duty” to find how to shine, stand tall and proud (not arrogant!), light and bright (because in my conception, what is desired by a Loving Being, is for us to be fulfilled, happy and free).
Then, keeping my focus on what I believe Source to be, I had to go through the events of my life with a “brutal” lucidity and honesty.
I had to accept that humans were (are) the way they are. I had to see them for who they really were. The egotism, the jealousy, the need to be important to the point of telling lies and destroying my life, the desire to possess what doesn’t want to be theirs, etc.
And then… find forgiveness and compassion within me. “Forgive them for they know not what they do”. Ignorance led them there. Ignorance of what Love is. Ignorance of how they could choose to be. Ignorance of their own soul, which cringes and recoil when we don’t act with Love. (It’s not surprising that Buddhists believe that ignorance is the first poison which leads to all the others).
Then, there was what I’ve learned to believe about myself. All the thoughts that are lies, those that came either from what I’ve been told, or those that came by deduction from other people’s actions. Like: “You’ll never be loved”, or “You’re worthless”, etc. Those had smaller repercussions in many different ways. I had, once again, to look at them, to feel them, to go through them… and to choose they were not who I am.
The same is true for the actions I did and the ones I should have done, and the ones I should have stopped from happening but haven’t. It’s the same process: to look at them, to feel them, to go through them… and to choose they were not who I am, even though I did(n’t) do them. I had to find forgiveness and compassion for myself.
To acknowledge I went against my soul, which brought the feeling of shame and guilt. Those were the true feelings of guilt: I was truly guilty of not living in accordance to what I hold dear, to what I know to be true and loving. Sometimes, it was also to have accepted to be treated badly.
Bottom line, it’s all about forgiveness and compassion. But the deep, genuine one. The tender, soft, gentle, delicate compassion… even for those who hurt me.
As I was thinking about how I could answer this, I realized that my 12 weeks program is, actually, just that: how to heal in order to develop a beautiful relationship with Divinity. How to let your soul soar and merge with that Presence.
How I healed?
Through courage, first. You need courage to re-visit your past, to take your life in your own hands, to Trust. Without courage, not much is possible (even though, at one point, courage is not needed anymore, at the beginning, you do. You need a tremendous amount of it!).
Then, I had to “clean the slate”, to really look at every negative emotion I held, to understand it, to free it.
With it, there’s forgiveness and compassion, of course. I believe there’s no freedom without them. Keeping resentment is like “drinking the poison and wishing for the other one to die” (I don’t remember who said that!).
Then, there’s to build trust, to learn detachment: you can have preferences, but if your desires possess you, if you’re always unsatisfied because you should have “more” or “different”, you’re not free. And if you trust, you also trust that no matter what you do, you’re Loved, and the Universe has your back, knowing what it is you’d like.
It's nice to go through what you’re not, but then, you also have to choose who you are! So, there’s a part about building your identity, to see who you truly are, who you want to be (not what you want to have ;)!).
And finally, there are the tools. The most powerful one is your imagination: Spirit being immaterial, the way to be connected to It is through what’s immaterial: your feelings, your imagination, your thoughts, your intentions. Learning how to use it opens beautiful doors, helps you to be more of who you know to be, connect you to all there is.
Another one is what I call Energy work. The thing is, when you went through pain, especially violence, the energy gets trapped in your body: you’re always ready to fight or flight. You’re in survival mode. To learn to understand how your energy moves, where it’s trapped, how to free it and make your body at peace allows you to feel more accurately and, therefore, to have a better sensor to navigate life.
So… this is how I healed… this is how I’m still healing. Sometimes, I’m surprised by an old memory that triggers a forgotten pain. Sometimes, a dream will remind me of one. Or someone will act in a way that will make me become negative.
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